Last Saturday of September

Going to bed is easy because I’m exhausted. Waking up is so, so hard…

…but God still IS. He’s present. He’s near. He’s somehow making sure we remember to breathe. He’s our hope and our source in this moment. He’s got You in His care. He’s the way that we get to see you again.

I keep replaying some of the last things you said to us.

“I’m not gonna give up.” You didn’t.

“I love you always.” You did and I know you do still.

“I’m ready to go home.” You were.

“Why are y’all crying? I’m not going anywhere.” I won’t believe you’re a liar now.

I can’t pretend to feel you with me all day, but when I go inside your room or your closet, I smell you. You always smelled so good. I feel you then. I don’t think we’ll ever want to wash the sheets, but you’d call us nasty and fuss, so we will eventually.

Breath easy, Mama. ❤️

A New Season

I haven’t blogged in months. Haven’t really had much that I needed to say. This year has been funny that way. So much has happened, much of which I’ve shared, but so much more I’ve kept inside. Nevertheless, I’m here now. I feel a shift in the direction and purpose of my blog. It was never meant to be journal-like, but that’s what I feel now. One day after my mother’s passing, I need to continue to feel like I’m sharing things with her as they happen. I need continued conversations. I need to not implode. So, if you still read my blog and you notice that sometimes it doesn’t seem like I’m talking to God or to you…it’s because I’m having girl talk with my mama.

How odd is it that I was so ready for summer to end this year? I couldn’t wait for Fall. I talked about it way more than usual. I’ll never rush the days again. Summer did pass quickly and it took you with it on the first day of Fall. How dare I rush the seasons? You’ve always taught me to take each day as it comes. I’ve always been a little hard-headed, I guess. You’re always right and I’m always testing the water to make sure.

Last night, I had hoped to see you in my dreams. I wanted you to let me know that you’re okay. When you didn’t show up, I thought maybe I was already in the dream. That I’d wake up and you’d still be here…in good health and even better spirits. I won’t wish you back anymore. I know you wanted to go home one way or the other.

As I try to wrap my mind around this new season of life without your physical presence, I know that I will need your lessons and God’s strength more than I ever have. I thought I knew what hurt felt like before, but I realize that all of that was only preparation and training for this moment…this new type of hurt…this new normal. I’ll take each day as it comes.

Breathe easy, Pretty Girl.<3

To everything there is a season and a time to every purpose under the heaven: a time to be born, and a time to die; a time to plant, and a time to pluck up that which is planted; a time to kill, and a time to heal; a time to break down, and a time to build up; a time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance; a time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together; a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing; a time to get, and a time to lose, a time to keep, and a time to cast away; a time to rend, and a time to sew; a time to keep silence, and a time to speak; a time to love, and a time to hate; a time of war, and a time of peace. -Eccleisastes 3:1-8