About That Mustard Seed…

Faith is HARD. Seriously. At least, faith is hard for me. I think that’s why it only takes a little bit to make things happen. We talk about it and it sounds easy. You know the sayings:

“Have faith, hon.”

“Keep the faith, friend.”

“Just remain faithful, dear.”

I know those phrases as well as anyone. I dish them out as easily as I do a simple hello or goodbye. Lately, I’ve been on the receiving end of the same phrases and I realize more than ever that having faith is hard work!

I can only speak for myself, but the hardest thing about faith is maintaining it even when things don’t (and may not ever, if we’re honest) go your way. I’m not sure that makes as much sense on screen as it does in my head so let me explain…

I have faith that God is real. I believe that Jesus died for my sins. I believe that Heaven will be my eternal home. For me, that’s not so hard! That’s pretty easy.

I also believe that God wants what is best for me. I believe that He created me for a purpose. I have faith that His purpose for me will be fulfilled because I am willing to let Him use me. Not quite as easy, but still not all that hard either.

That brings me to my current struggle with faith. Anyone who knows me well knows how much I desire to have children. Those same people can imagine how thrilled I was recently to find out that my husband and I were expecting. From the moment I realized I was late, we celebrated. Having suffered a pregnancy loss before, I was afraid, but I believed this time would be different. I had faith that this baby, conceived on the same day that my husband and I joined our new church home, would be born healthy and full of life and love.

When I began to show early signs of miscarriage, I was devastated. Yet, I took my faith with me to the doctor twice in one week and propped my legs up to the ceiling believing that my baby was going to be okay. I had faith that everything would be fine and that angel’s story would just have a few extra twists and turns. Everything was not okay and once again, my body refused to cooperate with the miracle that I believed was taking place.

After I let my friends and family know about the loss, they offered words of comfort. What I’ve heard so often is that “my time will come,” or that “God will grant the desires of my heart.” When I hear that, I really just want to ask them how they know. I want that inside scoop because from where I stand, all the faith in the world doesn’t guarantee that I will birth any babies. It sounds harsh, but I have to acknowledge that. I have to acknowledge that faith in God doesn’t guarantee that I get my way about everything. There are plenty of faithful people who don’t get everything that they want out of this life.

Faith in God means that I believe that everything will work for my good even if I don’t get my way. Faith says that God’s will is better for me than my own. Faith is the mechanism by which I keep moving forward without knowing all the answers to all of the questions that rattle around in my head. Faith is trust. Nothing more. Nothing less. I have to own that. I have to be okay with trusting that God will continue to take care of me.

So my faith has led me to one conclusion regarding my desires for a child. God will do one of 3 things…

1) God will allow me to birth the beautiful, healthy baby in my dreams.

2) God will take away my desire to have children.

3) God will give me the strength to push through the feelings of loss and longing.

I’m not sure what He’s got planned, but I’ve got to let go and leave it up to Him. Meanwhile, I’ll hang on to my mustard seed, pick my head up, and face the day with as big of a smile as I can manage.

Keep Smiling,