If Love Could Have Saved You…

Four years ago, my life changed. My surprise of a pregnancy taught me the truest form of hope…and my miscarriage taught me what it felt like to feel hopeless.

There were good days and bad days. I told myself that God knew best and that we would try again when we had gotten used to being married. I said the timing wasn’t ideal. We had a few other places to go and things to see. And when our relationship ended, I even tried to convince myself that I had “dodged a bullet.”

Truth is…I loved my baby. With everything in me. From the moment I knew someone was growing inside of me. I’ve never felt more special, loving, sensitive, protective, hopeful, favored, useful, purposeful, or beautiful than I did while I carried my child.

I miscarried in the first trimester. It wasn’t an easy loss physically, which distracted me from the emotional consequences. I was afraid of staying overnight in the hospital and things happened so fast that I barely remember all of the scans and needle pricks now.

I just remember hearing them say, “There is nothing that we can do to reverse this, but we will make sure that you are as comfortable as possible.” Tuh.

Friends and family tried to comfort me and most of them said all of the WRONG things with the best of intentions. There were the comparisons to people who’d carried pregnancies for longer and the people who seem to believe that one should view a miscarriage as a celebration of the ability to conceive. There were the people who didn’t know what to say so they said nothing at all, which I actually understood. Perhaps, the most hurtful were the people who believed that you had to birth a child to be a mother…they made sure to remind me that I was not a mom and that I would get a shot at it someday.

Miscarriage is such a taboo topic. Many people don’t know how to deal with it although so many women and couples experience it. Each person’s experience with it is different and the process is never ending.

Today, I haven’t shed a tear. I feel stronger than I ever have regarding the loss of my baby. I also feel more love for him or her than I ever have. I used to try to block out the experience, but bottling it up only made me angry. It hurt more. Peace came in the form of acknowledgment and remembrance.

More than anything else, I’m so thankful that God granted me the opportunity to be a vessel of life if only for a little while. I’m thankful for the flood of emotions that I felt. I’m thankful to feel in my heart, the sweet presence of the angel that I once carried in my womb.

If love could have saved my baby, it would have lived forever.

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3 thoughts on “If Love Could Have Saved You…

  1. Wow! I had no idea and never even knew exactly where your blog was, that you refer to often, until now. (Seen it on IG) I’m sorry for your loss but you are indeed a mother! God did use you as a vessel as you have spoke on already and I’m glad to hear you talk about your experience rather than hold it back. It’s easier sometimes to think bottling it in is best but what helps is expressing our emotions and even pain to others. Not only will it help us but it may touch the heart of others that may have experienced something very similar. I’ve actually experienced several miscarriages as well as losing children. No matter the situation, losing a child is hard and not questioning God was even harder for me! I’m so glad to read you have got past the anger. I pray you will continue to be at peace with this and God uses you in a way you never expected one day and that it will bring complete happiness and joy to your life!!!!

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    • Thank you for your encouragement, Amy! You were actually the first person that I knew that experienced the loss of a child. I didn’t understand then. It was a foreign concept. Today, I get it…and your strength amazes me. Glad you found the blog…hope you’ll come by again. 🙂

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  2. THE PROCRASTINATION OF FAITH BY STEVE FINNELL

    Believers in Christ, as well as, non-believers are guilty of procrastination of faith. Believers in Christ postpone dealing with their spiritual problems, believing tomorrow will be soon enough. Non-believers think time is on their side, that tomorrow is the day of salvation.

    Tomorrow is not guaranteed for anyone.

    James 4:14 Yet you do not know what your life will be like tomorrow. You are just a vapor that appears for a little while and then vanishes away.(NASB)

    If you are Christian but are living an unrepentant sinful lifestyle, do you really want to wait until tomorrow to repent?

    Revelation 16:15 (“Behold, I am coming like a thief. Blessed is the one who stays awake and keeps his clothes, so that he will not walk about naked and men will see his shame.”)(NASB)

    If you are not a Christian do you want to wait until tomorrow before you, believe-John 3:16, repent-Acts 3:19, confess- Romans 10:9 and are baptized in water-Acts 2:38? (SALVATION IS AVAILABLE TODAY—TOMORROW MAY NEVER COME)

    2 Peter 3:10 But the day of the Lord will come like a thief , in which the heavens will pass away with a roar and the elements will be destroyed with intense heat, and the earth and its works will be burned up.(NASB)

    If you are believer in Christ and know in your heart that water baptism is essential for salvation, but you are waiting until tomorrow to start teaching it to others for fear of losing your preaching position or not wanting to be condemned by family and fellow church members, remember there is no guarantee of tomorrow.

    Psalms 144:4 Man is like a mere breath; His days are like a passing shadow. (NASB)

    If you are telling the world that only a select few have been preselected for salvation, then, the time of repentance is now. No man knows what tomorrow will bring. (All who hear the gospel and are obedient to God’s terms for pardon will be saved.)

    1 Thessalonians 5:2 For you yourselves know full well that the day of the Lord will come just like a thief in the night.(NASB)

    Does it matter if churches look and act more like the world than the Lord’s church? Can churches use man-made doctrine as the rule for faith and practice if they make a pledge to change tomorrow? Can churches wait until tomorrow to mirror the church found in the New Testament Scriptures?

    Revelation 3:3 So remember what you have received and heard; keep it, and repent. Therefore if you do not wake up, I will come like a thief, and you will not know at what hour I will come to you.(NASB)

    Repentance only works if there is a tomorrow. Tomorrow is not promised to anyone.

    The procrastination of faith is faith not experienced if tomorrow never comes.

    YOU ARE INVITED TO FOLLOW MY BLOG. http//:steve-finnell.blogspot.com

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