Only If He Wants…

“This is my commandment, that ye love one another, as I have loved you.” – John 15:12

I just want to love him. I want to love him just as He loves me. I want to love him faithfully and fully. I want to show him that he has my support by helping him to carry the load when it is heavy. I want him to feel my adoration of him each time I place my head on his chest and listen to his heartbeat. I want him to witness my patience as I wait with him for his words and work to manifest…but only if that’s what he wants.

I want to heal his hurts by acknowledging the things that he goes through. I want to help him trust by being honest with him. I want to show him that I believe in him by investing in his dreams. I want to be there for him because he doesn’t believe I will. I want to be what he needs…but only if that’s what he wants.

I want to be his safe place when he feels vulnerable and his voice of reason when he gets off track. I want to laugh with him, make plans with him, and grow old with him. I want to nurture his vision, complement his purpose, and be his good thing. I want to fulfill His purpose for me through him…but only if he wants.

See, I believe that if you want a good man, you have to build yours up. You have to be willing to accept his imperfections, but you can’t let him excuse them. You have to challenge him…push him to be the best man that he can be. Cover him with prayer, listen to his big ideas, and hold him ever so tightly so that he knows that someone cares about his body, his mind, and his spirit…but like the saying goes, “You can’t be hotter than the fire.”

You have to know when to hold on and when to let go. Like a fistful of sand, if you squeeze it too tightly, you lose more than you save. He knows God. It was evident when I met him. He loves God too. That’s what I came to love most about him. He knows the way…to find his good thing. He will go that way because he follows Him. So with each step that he takes away from me…I trust that he is moving closer to what God has for him.

I can imagine that the sadness that I feel when my love is rejected by him parallels what God feels when I reject His love for me. The frustration, the loneliness, the betrayal, the discontentment…all things that God feels as He watches me make attempts to maneuver through life looking for fulfillment elsewhere when He has made it painstakingly clear that He just wants to love me. He has shown me grace, mercy, comfort, forgiveness, hope, provision, healing, and sacrifice. Still, I tell him, “Not right now.”

His lips say love. His actions say maybe later. Perhaps he is torn…between what he wants and what he thinks he needs? With this in mind, I am prepared to step aside and clear his path so that he can find and commit to the ONE heart that he believes is worth winning. I understand that He will not force His love upon me just as I cannot force mine upon him. I understand his dilemma. I face it every day. I want to love him just as He loves me, but only if He wants.

Note: I wrote this post when I was feeling rejected. I felt that I was in love, but I wasn’t feeling reciprocity. It wasn’t written out of anger…a little disappointment, maybe. Some definite frustration. A sprinkle of understanding. Through this late night reflection I realized that true love is not restrictive. It is meant to free us to do what it is that we are called to do. I had to love him enough to free him. Maybe you can relate. The “he/his” versus “He/His” are deliberate, FYI.

4 thoughts on “Only If He Wants…

  1. Ahhhhhhh….I know the feeling all to well. Disappointment + rejection + betrayal = heartache. For me, it has always been my issue of holding on to something that wasn’t meant for me. Beautifully written…


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